Flat Tire(s)

The purpose of this story is not for sympathy but for the humor of anyone that I have tormented in the past. It is clearly a lesson in male stupidity.

A little background…..sometime back in 2004 I had 3 flat tires in a 10 day period. One on my car (while on the road) and two while using my wife’s car (once in the garage, and once returning to my parking space at work.) The garage one was at 5AM in the morning as I was leaving to fly to Toronto on business. I don’t think I have had 3 flat tires in my life before that. Then a few months later my wife drove over a nail (her’s was patched).

One morning as I am driving to work I hear that all too familiar sound. I was on the phone with a business associate who knew of my past history and he said what I thought – “Impossible”. So there is was, number five in just about a year. And all that in and of itself would not have made this funny. Here is what happens next….

As I’m pulled over on the side of the road, do I call AAA? – NO
Do I fix the flat here where there is plenty of shoulder room? – NO

I get this brilliant idea that I am only 5 miles from home and I can drive home and take my wife’s car and let her deal with AAA while it’s in the garage. Maybe it was because during one of the last flats the guy at the tire place said you could drive for miles on 3 tires. Or maybe I thought it was a math riddle (How far can a guy drive on 3 tires and a flat before he is driving on 3 tires and a rim?) I now know the answer. Not to mention the rims on my car cost the same amount as the GNP of some small third world countries.

I got about 2 miles before the tire/car starts making a noise you never want to hear your car make. Of course I am now on a single lane road by some farm with barely enough room to pull over. The only thing missing was a cow.

Do I call AAA? – NO I call my wife. “Please come here and block traffic with your car so I can change the tire without getting killed.” CLICK (no she didn’t but I wouldn’t have blamed her).

While I’m waiting I decide to try to change it as there were few cars passing by. As I am pulling out the jack that is the size of a pair of scissors it starts to snow. Yes snow. 2 minutes ago it was 40 degrees and sunny. Now it is dark gray and snowing. And I don’t mean a few flakes, I mean snowing. Can’t see across the street snowing. I kid you not. And what crosses my mind? I ticked off the NASCAR gods for making fun of people who enjoy that sport (?).

I finally get the car up on the jack and the lug nuts off and now the tire won’t come off. Not even after hitting it with a mallet (I should have tried my thick skull but I didn’t). As my wife pulls up she has already called AAA. It was at that moment that it dawned on me why subconsciously I didn’t want to call AAA….I didn’t know where I was! I was 2 freaking minutes from a house I have lived in for 10 years at that point and I didn’t even know the name of the road I was on!!!

And the guy who came and changed the tire never even asked why my wife was there!